The Lie I Believed About God — And How It Almost Broke Me

 By Clayton Wolf

For most of my life, I thought I understood God — but I didn’t actually know Him.

I prayed.
I thanked Him.
I talked to Him — usually at night, usually when things were quiet enough that I couldn’t distract myself anymore.

From the outside, it probably looked like faith.

But inside, I was carrying a lie that almost crushed me.

The Version of God I Believed In

I believed God was disappointed in me.

Not angry — just constantly let down.
Like a father who loved me because He had to, but didn’t really like me.

I imagined Him shaking His head every time I messed up.
Keeping score.
Waiting for me to finally get it together.

So I lived like a man trying to earn approval that never came.

I worked harder.
I pushed more.
I punished myself mentally for every failure.

And when things fell apart, I didn’t run to God.

I assumed I was proving Him right.

Why This Lie Felt So Real

Here’s the dangerous part about that lie:

It felt true.

Because I didn’t know how to separate discipline from disappointment.
Correction from rejection.
Conviction from condemnation.

I saw God through the lens of pressure, performance, and expectations.

If I was struggling, I assumed I was failing Him.
If I was hurting, I thought I deserved it.
If I was overwhelmed, I told myself I just wasn’t strong enough.

That belief kept me praying…
but never surrendering.

Faith Without Honesty Is Just Performance

I praised God with my words.
I thanked Him for protection, for provision, for getting me through hard things.

But behind closed doors, I lived the opposite.

I controlled everything I could.
I avoided what scared me.
I buried pain instead of bringing it to Him.

I didn’t see God as a Father guiding me.

I saw Him as a judge grading me.

And when life finally slowed me down — through depression, loss, anxiety, and IOP — that version of God stopped making sense.

Because if He was truly disappointed in me…

Why was He still there?

The Moment the Lie Started to Crack

It didn’t happen in a church pew.
It didn’t happen during a powerful sermon.

It happened when I had nothing left to perform.

I was stripped of answers.
Stripped of control.
Stripped of the version of myself that “handled things.”

So I opened my ears and my eyes and started to hear the Word — instead of just checking the box when I opened my Bible.

I started listening, instead of coming up with what I thought God would say.

And what I found wasn’t a disappointed God.

It was a loving, patient one.

What I Discovered Instead

I discovered a God who:

• Runs toward broken sons instead of away from them

• Corrects because He loves, not because He’s annoyed

• Invites honesty instead of performance

I realized I had been confusing conviction with condemnation.

Conviction says, “Come back.”
Condemnation says, “Stay away.”

God had been calling me closer the entire time.

I just couldn’t hear it over my shame.

How This Lie Nearly Broke Me

Believing God was disappointed made everything heavier.

Every failure felt final.
Every struggle felt personal.
Every setback felt like proof I wasn’t enough.

That belief fueled anxiety.
It fed depression.
It kept me isolated — even in my faith.

I didn’t feel safe being honest with God…
So I wasn’t honest with myself either.

That’s a dangerous place to live.

What Changed When the Lie Died

When I finally accepted that God loved me — not the future version of me, not the fixed version, not the strong version — 

but me…

Everything shifted.

I stopped hiding.
I stopped performing.
I stopped punishing myself.

Faith became a relationship, not pressure.
Growth became possible, not terrifying.
Obedience became trust, not fear.

God wasn’t disappointed in me.

He was waiting for me to stop believing the lie.

For the Person Reading This

If you secretly believe God is tired of you…
If you think He loves you but doesn’t really want you…
If you feel like you’re always one mistake away from disqualifying yourself…

You’re not alone.

And you’re not right.

That voice isn’t God.

God doesn’t love the version of you that has it all together.
He loves you for who you are.

A Challenge for You

Sit with these questions for a moment:

• What do I really believe God thinks about me?

• Where did that belief come from?

• Does it lead me toward Him — or away from Him?

• What would change if I believed God was for me, not disappointed in me?

• What part of my life have I been afraid to bring to Him?

You don’t have to answer perfectly.

Just answer honestly.

Because the lie loses power the moment you stop believing it.

And freedom starts where honesty begins.